


grappling

by soverysesual



Series: there is no return to normalcy [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Spoilers, major infinity war spoilers, spoilers for Infinity War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-28
Updated: 2018-04-28
Packaged: 2019-04-29 04:09:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14464689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soverysesual/pseuds/soverysesual
Summary: (Contains Spoilers from Infinity War Part 1)Tony struggles to keep a grip on reality.  Peter is there to help.





	grappling

**Author's Note:**

> as requested, this is Tony's perspective of "recovering," the first story in this little series. You definitely don't have to read the first one to get this one, but they are companions of each other! 
> 
> SPOILERS AHEAD!

Tony doesn’t remember how they actually saved the universe.

No, that’s not entirely true. He remembers parts of it.  The worst parts. The parts where he lost some good friends for  _real_ (like in the un-reversible sense) _._

The rest?  The rest is a blur between when Peter’s body turned to ash in his arms and when everything was...reset or whatever happened (he’s not about to try to explain  _magic_ or whatever the hell that was).  Tony at least knows they fixed everything, and he knows he was a big part of it, but if you asked him exactly how he did it he honestly couldn’t tell you.

It’s not the same kind of memory loss the rest of the world was experiencing.  They didn’t remember because they weren’t  _supposed_ to.  Tony can only attribute his memory loss the the fact that losing Peter  _broke him_.  It tore him up and spit him out so fast that he could barely function.  Though a part of him seemed to be able to function (he did manage to save the  _universe_  after all, somehow), his entire self during that period was consumed, haunted by the kid’s last words.  He had never expected it, but he learned one thing very quickly as he and Nebula parted Titan after losing everyone:

He couldn’t go on without Peter.

So luckily something in the back of his mind must’ve stepped up, must’ve realized that there was still a chance to save the kid.  Because somehow they did it.

When the universe had been officially declared “saved” or whatever by the powers that be, Tony had gone to look for Peter where he had  _left him_  (he gags just thinking about it) on Titan.  At first they only find the Guardians, and for a brief moment Tony wonders if they screwed up, if they managed to save every one else but the boy.  Because that would be Tony’s luck, right?  That he managed to save everyone but the person that matters?  He’s gotten lucky too many times that this scenario actually seems to be the most likely.

He’s about to finally lose the last part of him that was fighting to stay sane, fighting to find the kid, when he hears a sound he thought he’d never hear again.

“W-what the...” comes from behind him, and Tony almost doesn’t believe it’s real, because Tony’s pretty sure he doesn’t deserve this.  But he turns around to see the kid struggling to sit up, and Tony’s never moved so fast in his entire life.

Tony wraps his arms around the kid and finally just  _loses it_  because it can’t be real but he’s real and he’s there and he’s  _alive._ He’s alive, he’s alive,  _he’s alive_. Tony thinks he might’ve even said that aloud, but he was too focused on holding the- _his_  kid in his arms again to even notice.Peter seems confused but hugs back, realizing that something must’ve happened, and Tony doesn’t mean to cry in front of the kid cause he really didn’t want to scare him but Tony’s lost all self control at this point.  He did  _try_  to keep it together for Peter, but it was just too much. 

Tony knows in that moment as he holds his kid again that he never wants Peter to know what happened.  Peter can never know that Tony messed up, that he should’ve made sure that kid was off that damn space donut, that he couldn’t protect him _, that he had to let him go._

On their way home, Tony realizes very quickly that things can never go back to normal for two reasons.

Number one: the kid’s not okay.  Tony can see it in his eyes.  Pete doesn’t know why he isn’t okay, but he’s at least aware that something is  _wrong_.  Tony’s not gonna tell him why.  Not because he doesn’t think the kid can handle it.  He knows that if anyone can handle it, it’s probably this kid.  This brave, strong, unbelievably  _good_ kid.  No, it’s because he’s pretty sure he himself  _can’t_ handle even  _thinking_  about, let alone having to tell the kid what he saw, what he went through, that for awhile the kid just didn’t  _exist_.  So Tony resolves to just... avoid the entire matter altogether, as long as he possibly can.  And Tony knows that Peter knows not to bring it up, that it’s dangerous territory.  He just wonders how long the kid will be able to stand not knowing.

Number two: Tony is definitely  _not okay_. Not that that’s a surpirse or anything. Not that he wasn’t fully aware of that the moment Peter started to fade.  But now that they’re supposed to be going back to real life, Tony’s not sure if he’ll even be able to.  Yeah, the kid is back and safe and  _alive_  but all Tony can think whenever he has even one millisecond alone with his thoughts are the kid’s last words to him.

_I don’t wanna go, Mr. Stark._

_I’m sorry._

It’s because of this second reason that Tony can’t let the kid out of his sight.  That and the fact that he’s pretty sure he’s losing touch with reality, and he keeps forgetting that any of this is real, and is only reminded that Peter is a live when he can actually see him, and even then it’s still  _not enough_.  So on there way back, Tony hovers around Peter, and Peter doesn’t seem to be bothered by it, so he keeps doing it, keeps trying to get away with as much as he can before the kid gets sick of him or something.

At first, when they get back to Earth, it’s... easier to cope with all of this.  There’s a lot that they have to do together as a team, as part of what remains of the Avengers, so keeping Peter near practically at all times doesn’t take much effort.  Plus, Peter seems to  _want_ to stay close to Tony for as long as possible anyways, and Tony’s not about to say no.  Not when he’s about 2 seconds away from handcuffing himself to the kid permanently or something.

But then everyone’s supposed to “return to normalcy” (Tony choked on his toast when he first heard some idiot say news.  Half of the universe  _disappeared -_ though they don’t even know it. Nothing would be “normal” ever again!).

Which means that Peter goes back to school and Pepper has a company to run and Tony has superhero obligations (he assumes...he’s not really paying attention to anything that’s not Peter right now).  Tony has to actually stop himself from moving May and Pete into the compound with them because even that would be a step too far (and would raise more questions than he’s willing to answer).

So it’s during this part, this attempt at “going back to the way things were” stuff, that Tony realizes he’s probably going insane.

For one thing, he’s pretty sure he’ll never be able to actually sleep again.

Pepper’s been trying  _everything_  she can think of to get him to sleep, but it’s no use.  If he closes his eyes for more than five minutes he  _sees_  everything again he  _feels_ everything again and he keeps watching Peter die  _over and over and over_.  So chooses not to sleep, which obviously is making everything worse, but he doesn’t know what the hell else to do, because he can’t keep seeing it and he doesn’t want to keep waking Pep with his screams but at the same time he’s so purely  _tired_  that losing touch with reality keeps happening even more throughout the day.

He almost considers giving that... Mantis lady a call after several days of losing his grip on what’s real and what’s not, but instead Bruce shows up (after a desperate call from Pepper) with a strong sedative that... mostly works.

It keeps him asleep for a few hours every night (so that you know, he doesn’t  _die_ ), but it can’t keep the nightmares away.

And so a pattern quickly establishes itself in the Stark wing:

Take pill.  Sleep.   _I don’t wanna go, Mr. Stark_.  Scream into a pillow.  Check Pete’s vitals.

The last part gets added to the mix after a desperate phone call from Tony to Peter at god knows what hour that Tony hates himself for.

“Mr. Stark?  Is everything okay?” the kid had asked sleepily, and Tony wished he hadn’t gone on autopilot when he woke up, but he’d just needed to hear his voice.

“Uh, yeah kid.  Butt dial or something.  Go back to bed.” 

But of course Pete doesn’t buy it for a  _second_  cause he’s too damn smart for his own good.  Pete seems to just know what to do and starts jabbering about something and Tony can feel his heart rate even out.

After that Peter’s invites himself over everyday for almost a month straight.  Tony _should_  be mad that some... child... has figured him out like this.  That the kid has taken it upon himself to be the one to take control over the situation (he’s just a kid for Christ’s sake!), but Tony simply doesn’t have the energy to pretend like he doesn’t  _need_  this.  Because Tony still feels like he’s losing himself with every second Peter’s not in the room and Tony’s so tired of feeling like this, and he’s almost  _relieved_  that the kid’s got him figured out because at least he doesn’t have to come up with excuses to have him around, or suffer without him.

Also after the middle-of-the-night phone call fiasco, Peter starts sleeping in his suit.  Pete doesn’t actually tell this to Tony, but Tony finds out anyway.  After another nightmare, Tony decides just to check to see the last time Peter was in the suit because he knows that information alone would ground him in reality; would remind him that Peter’s not  _dead_.  Instead, he finds that Pete’s wearing the suit in the comfort of his own bed.  And Tony cries because the kid must’veknown that Tony would check and that Tony wouldn’t call and he almost hates that Peter knows him so well, but it also makes him love him even more that he’d thought possible.

So they continue like this for a while: the moment Tony feels like he’s about to lose it again, Peter seems to just be there, and Peter stays as talks and just  _is_  and Tony basks in every second of it.  Tony thrives in everything Peter says, everything Peter thinks, everything Peter does.  All of Tony’s free time becomes about investing in Peter’s life, because the more invested he gets, the more he remembers that Peter is alive and that’s really the only thing that matters to Tony anymore.  Tony needs food, water, a tiny bit of sleep, and the knowledge that Peter is safe.

Tony’s also starting to wonder if Peter needs this too, if Peter’s still not okay and if this is Peter also trying to cope.  But Tony can hardly believe that Peter could need him like this, and so he doesn’t think too much about it, and lets Peter take care of him, because at least if they both need it, then Tony doesn’t have to ask.

But on top of all of this, there is still one thing that Peter being around all the time actually doesn’t help: the guilt.

Tony knows he as to tell the kid at some point what happened.  He can’t keep it from him forever.  It’s Peter’s  _life_  after all, and he has a right to know.  Tony just doesn’t know how he can possibly tell him without completely falling off the deep end.

Luckily - or unluckily - he doesn’t have to wait too long to find out.

Peter actually stays over at the compound one weekend, much to Tony’s relief.  

But that doesn’t stop Tony from having the same nightmare  _every single night._

He checks the kid’s vitals as part of his routine (he programmed it into just a quick tap on his watch now), and notices that the kid is awake and apparently hungry.

So, still sweating and reeling and still repeating  _Pete’s alive_  over and over again in his head, he makes his way into the kitchen to find the spiderling digging around in the fridge.  Peter notices Tony right away and frowns, and Tony doesn’t say anything, just practically collapses with relief into the barstool, because the kid’s  _alive_  and right in front of him and everything is  _okay_.

Tony doesn’t even hear Peter get him a glass of water, and he could cry because the kid is just so sweet and good, and Tony should be taking care of Peter, not the other way around.  The kid puts his hand on Tony’s shoulder and it’s taking everything for Tony to just keep it together.

“I know you’re gonna say you don’t want to talk about it, but if you change your mind, I’m ready and willing to listen,” Peter says, squeezing Tony’s shoulder.  This puts Tony even further on the edge of losing it as he closes his eyes and feels his hands start to shake.  He hates that the kid has to see him like this, and that he doesn’t even know if he  _can_ talk about it with the kid, even though he knows he  _should_.

“I  _can’t...”_  Tony whispers without realizing it.  He doesn’t see Peter nod.

“Well, I’m here, okay?”

He’s  _here,_ Tony remembers, and suddenly Tony can’t keep it in anymore and he grabs Peter close again because he just  _needs_  to.  Part of him feels bad for crying in front of... well,  _on_... the poor kid again but he literally couldn’t stop himself if he tried.  He notices that Peter eyes are wide and confused, but Peter hugs Tony back and starts to try to calm him down.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Stark.  We’re okay.  Everything will be okay,” he hears Peter repeat over and over again and Tony just holds his kid and tries desperately to calm down so he stops freaking the kid out.  It takes a bit but he finally pulls himself together enough to speak, to try to warn the kid that he’s not the same person anymore, that nothing will ever be the same.

“Pete,” he mutters, “I don’t think I’ll ever be okay again.”  It’s the first time he’s admitted this to anyone that’s not Pepper.  He hates putting this on the kid, but the kid has to know  _the truth_ , in case the kid wants to bail and move on with his life like he  _should,_ like he  _deserves_ , instead of watching over his messed up mentor like this. 

But Pete just sighs and squeezes Tony harder, and Tony can’t believe he’s so lucky to have this kid in his life.

“I’m sorry,” Peter says, and Tony cringes at the words because the way Peter says it sounds  _just like_  when.... and... and Tony hates that Peter thinks he has to apologies for anything when all of this,  _all of this_ , was Tony’s fault in the first place.

“Peter Parker, you have absolutely  _nothing_  to be sorry about,” Tony says, probably a little too harsh, since the kid has no idea what he’s even talking about.  But the kid just accepts it and nods.

“Okay.”

They sit in silence fo a while, and Tony can feel the question coming.  Pete’s about to ask him what happened and he’s not sure if he’s gonna be able to answer him, and he hopes Peter doesn’t hate him for it.

“I died out there... in space.... didn’t I?” and Tony wants to throw up because of  _course_  this genius of a kid figured it out.  Or worse, the kid figured it out because  _he’s_  still not okay either.  “During... whatever that was.  I died.”  What started as a question ends in a statement.  Tony hates this, he hates all of this.

He doesn’t know what to do.  What’s he supposed to say,  _yeah kid, I watched you dissolve with my own two eyes out in the middle of space after I didn’t even want you to be there in the first place and you were gone for so long and I thought you were never coming back and -_

Tony can’t look at the kid because it’s just too overwhelming and he can already hear it playing over and over again in his head.

_I don’t wanna go, Mr. Stark._

_I’m sorry._

So Tony just nods.

He expects Peter to get mad or run away and never speak to him again or  _something_ for keeping this from him.  He almost  _wants_  the kid to be angry at him because that at least would make sense because it’s  _all his fault_  anyways.

But the kid, as per usual, surprises the shit out of him and  _hugs him_. Tony can’t even quite believe it and he hugs back because he loves this brave child so much more than he loves anything else.  He can almost feel Peter connecting the dots in his genius head of his. 

“You saved me,”  Peter whispers, and Tony doesn’t know how to respond.  Because yes, technically he did save Peter, but he’s also couldn’t save Peter the first time around and he’ll always feel guilty about it.  

“Whatever you did  _saved_ me,” Peter repeats, and it finally clicks with Tony that Peter is right.  Tony  _did_  end up saving him at the end of the day, and Tony realizes that has to count for something. 

“ _Thank you_ , Tony” Peter says heavily, and he can hear the kid’s voice break and when he pulls away Tony realizes the kid is crying and he wishes more than anything that he wouldn’t cry, that he wouldn’t thank him, because  _of course_ he would save him.  Every.  Single.  Time.

“You’re my kid,” Tony says without even realizing it, but he’s not wrong so who cares. “I’ll always save you.”

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! This one was a lot harder to write because a) my emotions!!! and b) getting Tony's... voice right was difficult. I hope I even kind of did it justice.


End file.
